[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
📽️movie date🎞️
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Respect
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.