Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
This guy gets it.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood