Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
You Might Also Like
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’ve had relationships like this
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’d rather go liquor treating.