NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets