I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.