♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
This guy gets it.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.