*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally