*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Who’s your best friend?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Never forget.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Taliband
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.