The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
m’lady
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza