You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Time for evil
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
See..?
.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it