Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.