This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww