Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.