*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Woke up against my better judgement again
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?