Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
You Might Also Like
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.