Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar