Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Pot warmers of the day.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
not to brag, but mine was free
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”