Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Ron is short for Aaronald
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Spider-cat: No One Home
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.