I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall