We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.