Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
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Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
🤣dope
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.