Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Breaking news:
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.