Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.