[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Facebook memories be like
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*