Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
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When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Please do it!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂