The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.