Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”