My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Google assistant rules
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.