Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Ah yes. The three genders
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.