scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)