poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You Might Also Like
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.