Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.