Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”