“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.