me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
58.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂