How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Thursday Thought.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?