I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!