Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…