Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
This took me a second..
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
So the ex texted me
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.