[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”