Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The best plant holders?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My first son he is wonderful
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded