PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog