Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Simple enough.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”