There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Don’t forget to tip your server
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
IT’S-A ME,
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Bro what is this
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”