[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.