HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1