I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
courtroom exchange of the day
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?