NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
not seeing the problem
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky