doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
You Might Also Like
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked