how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.